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Life Notes: Divorceby Cindy Wyatt, LCSW Divorce is the end of a marriage but it is not the end of parenting-or family. It is just the end of one kind of family. Many parents are learning to readjust their ideas about what the post-divorce family looks like and even what to call it. The traditional approach to raising children after a divorce (and even the professional's recommendations) was based on the belief that children needed to have one secure home base with the non-custodial parent "visiting" regularly. This often resulted in one parent having too much responsibility while the other parent often lost out on real hands-on parenting. Too often, the visiting parent became so discouraged with his/her lack of "influence" that he/she would give up altogether and become an absent parent. The overburdened custodial parent often became resentful and overwhelmed as he/she tried to play both mother and father. The children also experienced this as losing not only their original family unit but also each individual parent's love and attention. What is an alternative? Parents can set up two homes and co-parenting agreements with each other that allow children to be parented by both Mom and Dad on a very regular basis. Society often assumes that divorced couples can't possibly cooperate at this level because, after all, they couldn't make their marriage relationship work. (And there are some conditions in which it won't work--such as if one parent is physically abusive to the children.) But we adults build working relationships with many people whom we may not like all that much-the store clerk, our accountant, certain co-workers. We adults often have to postpone feelings, put off venting in front of the children, and live with others' values. We have to work with teachers, Boy Scout leaders, grandparents, and other adults who with our children come into contact and with whom WE might not always agree. Can our kids tolerate all these differences? The answer is a resounding YES. Kids are able to go back and forth between different settings, deal with different sets of rules in each place, and have unique relationships with other adults-they do it all the time in their lives. Even in an intact marriage, each child's relationship with each parent can be quite different. Divorcing parents CAN set up working relationships with each other. It may look like a business partnership and require lots of structure to work best. Or, some parents can develop a friendship with a more casual open-door policy for their children. Each family must decide for themselves, based on individuality, what works well for their children. And it may change over time. Some parents may require a mediator or counselor to help them achieve their co-parenting agreements. They may find consulting a book like Dr. Isolina Ricci's Mom's House, Dad's House very helpful. They might participate in a divorce support group or workshop. There are counselors and groups for children to help them in their adjustment. Don't hesitate to get the help you need to get through the huge transitions that divorce precipitates. Finally, start changing how you talk about your new living arrangements. Language is powerful. Dr. Ricci suggests the following:
Though parenting your children through transition (called "transparenting" by some programs) is a big challenge, you can do it. Your children will thank you for your efforts to make two families for them. The Family Counseling Center is offering a FREE workshop for parents, grandparents, step-parents and concerned adults on Saturday, July 24, 2004 from 9:00am -12:00pm at the Methodist Children's Home Chapel. For more information regarding the "Transparenting" workshop please call 255-5753. Life Notes: Complete List 2004 2003 The Life Notes articles are written by staff of Louisiana Methodist Children's Home and are published in The Ruston Daily Leader. | |||
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